Secrets of the Opposite Sex

Secrets of the Opposite Sex

Many jokes, problems, and conversations revolve aroundcommunications differences between men and women. Women areoften teased for gabbing, nagging and chattering on aboutnothing. Men are often accused of not listening, not payingattention, or dominating the conversation when conversingwith a woman. These problems occur because each genderroutinely misinterprets the other's nonverbal and verballistening cues.

During conversation, most women tend to give considerablenonverbal communications feedback, such as nodding andsmiling, as well as frequent verbal feedback, like:

> "I know what you mean"

> "Uh, huh"

> "Right. Exactly!"

This type of feedback lets the speaker know he or she ismaking sense. It is the typically feminine communicationsstyle developed from childhood onward.

Most men, on the other hand, do not provide much nonverbalcommunications feedback, tending to remain silent whenlistening to a speaker. They focus on what the speaker issaying, and consider it to be polite to be expressionlessand silent. This is the typically male communications stylelearned from early childhood. These differences inlistening styles often cause dysfunctional communicationsbetween men and women.

When a man speaks with a woman, he may frequentlymisinterpret the listening cues provided by the womanbecause his primary experiences are with men; and viceversa.

Her nonverbal feedback (nodding and smiling) and verbalcomments ("I know what you mean," etc.) are usually merelyintended by her to indicate that she understands his pointand that he is making sense. His usual interpretation,however, is that she is providing significant encouragementfor him to keep on talking! Because most men find itdifficult to resist such positive encouragement, it is notsurprising that they may appear to dominate suchconversations.

When a woman speaks with a man, she may often misread hislistening cues. His normally sparse nonverbal feedback(little or no change in facial expression) and generalsilence while she is speaking are usually intended by him toindicate that he is paying close attention and concentratingon her words.

Her usual interpretation, however, is that he must be boredand/or she is not making sense to him. Because most womenfind it difficult to proceed under such negativecircumstances, a typical reaction is to cut short additionalremarks, or to repeat some things for attemptedclarification, or even to ask if he understands what shesaid. He may then misinterpret her reaction to be anindication that she was just gabbing, or chattering, thatshe was nagging him, or that she is unsure of what she wassaying. Each becomes a victim of his/her own listeningcues, while the stereotypical gender differences arereinforced and passed on as absolute truths!

To help make mixed gender conversations work more smoothly,men and women need to understand more about the other'slistening cues. Men should try to provide more nonverbal andverbal feedback while listening to female speakers.

They should also realize that the typically moredemonstrative verbal and nonverbal feedback provided bywomen is generally intended as subtle encouragement for thespeaker - it is not a rousing endorsement of the speaker'soratory skills. Women should learn not to be overlyconcerned if the men they are talking with don't provide thescope of listening cues they are accustomed to receiving.They should understand that, usually, if a male listener isquiet and stone-faced, he is listening intently.

So ladies, if you see that face, don't ask him if heunderstands what you just said!

Kirstin Carey is a consultant, award winning speaker, and author of "PowHERful Communications for Women Who Want to be Heard." As a woman business owner, Kirstin fully understands what is necessary for women to be successful entrepreneurs. To find out how you too can love your business everyday and live the entrepreneurial life you want, visit http://www.powherful.com